everything just came crushing down on me, just like that! it all happened within a day, definitely something one wouldn't even dare to think of. i've got criticized, sales got "stolen", confirmation delayed, "rejected" by my crush. i mean, what the hell right. i didn't know i'm that fucking down on luck! whatever i do, everything just seems to go the other way & oppose me. and oh, my saving plan failed to work, and i'm again, for no apparent reason ended up "bankrupt" by mid-month. am i the sole factor that causes all the unhappiness within myself, or am i just thinking too much? i think i ought to do some soul searching seriously. something must be really wrong out there.

i thought i'm happy at my present work & jobscope, but time proves it all. i've got sick & tired of all the customer service orientated, sales driven kind of workstyle. i'm not a proactive person, that's something i really have to admit. i do love competition, but i seriously hate putting up fake smile serving customers each day. i'm so tired with myself right now, to the extent i forgot the purpose of my existence on earth. i'm not exactly lost, i'm just away from the track. it's time i pull myself up & focus on what i really want.

i supposed to have loads to pen down, but somehow things couldn't get up to my mind when i blog. i'm lost, and i'm all alone out there. i need help. ):

it hurts. yes, it does.

somehow to let go looks tougher than it seems to be.

it only takes one phrase to make your world turn gray, "we have to be friends". i'm feeling sad really, not just saddness, but somehow a mixture of jealousy, and a little bit of desperado perhaps. nothing more can be compared to being with the one you loved, together with bits of passion, thoughtfulness, lust & love. it just makes me feel ultra unwanted especially when out alone seeing couples zooming in & out around you, hugging, holding hands or even kissing. it makes the matter worst lah. i've been listening to janice, wei lan's dai gor, the song i never fail to listen to whenever i feel down, for like billonth times already. really, i think i should go get a life.

sigh! to brighten up abit, i think somehow my leave will get approved for the upcoming tioman trip next weekend. *fingers crossed*, gonna get myself really tanned & relaxed. i somehow needed a break, again, 'cause i'm really stressed out with work lately. fast forward abit, about the europe backpacking trip in september, plannings are underway, me & my travelmate intend to visit italy's rome, venetian city, venice & milan, france's paris & the infamous disneyland, switzerland's zurich & geneva, and london. somehow a short 10 days would be sufficient, thou' our leaves haven't got approved yet, but i'm looking forward to it. otherwise, we'll just change it to just a short hong kong cum tokyo shopping trip. hahas.

and oh! i nearly forgot about this. there's this typical male singaporean customer who came in last saturday to book 02 tickets to the US. somehow or rather, another female singapore passenger, came down on monday and complained that they actually wanted a free & easy package that comes together with hotel accommodation, but not solely air tickets. i mean, it's kind of funny lah, as in i have already charge him for the tickets booking & have already given them the tickets, and the main thing is, they didn't even ask about anything on hotels! moreover, i'm at the ticketing department, if he had wanted some free & easy packages with hotels, he would have to proceed to the other department. it's super annoying lah, i mean, he even write in to demand for some "compensation" & official explanation. what's there to explain about in the first place? sometimes customers can be really, unreasonable to a huge extent. don't think just because you paid a merely thousand or two, and you can actually then twist words to your own favor and push all responsibilities away to the others. *pui*, i'm totally disgusted by these two particular customers, or a more suitable term, nasty consumers.

i hate being lonely.

sigh. i think the feeling of solitudity is swallowing me whole. i haven't been feeling at all well for like, eh, 03 days? well, it must have been the rain & lack of sleeps. my throat is well swollen, having some difficult flus & non-stop coughs. sigh, am feeling so weak and yet no one ever cares. i think one day when i die in my sleep, no one will ever notice until my body starts to rot. it's really affecting me much & seriously, i really really hate getting ignored & being alone. apart from the essential air, water & food human beings need for surviving, i think companionship ought to be listed as one of the must-have as well. seriously!

alright, i have been sleeping thru' all the way since last night, 1145pm, till like today 6pm, thought i did get up in between to get to the toilet & getting water. something is really wrong with me. my head is spinning, legs getting wobbly when i got up & to make the matter worst, all the people i messaged to ask go out with, rejected me! i'm really down on my luck, i mean, work's not getting any smoother, stucked on relationships, and people shooing their asses away from me. it's super what-the-hell alright. i'm fucking pissed.

i think i'm getting more & more paranoid each day i supposed. i'm acting super eccentric, pitching myself away from the crowd, got super agitate from minor stuff. and i don't even know the reasons behind it all. i think i ought to sought some psychiatrist's help. ):

argh! i have nothing else to say, but just argh & sighing. * shakes my head *

alright, i had a not-so fulfilling kind of weekend, was supposed to go for the mayday concert up in genting, but for some reasons, i didn't get to go for it. what makes the matter worst is that, i can't even go for the one in singapore! of all weekends, our in-house travel fair chose to be on this weekend, so nice that it clashes with the one in singapore. gosh. anyways, i really had an enjoyable mini getaway off singapore though. enjoying the cool breeze up on the mountains, spending the time away with friends & stuff.

sidetrack abit, may is approaching soon, and i'm gonna look forward to school! it's been a long six months, two semesters that is, since i last went back to school. another few more modules to the completion of my diploma. and poof! i'll then bid goodbye to travel line & hello to the media industry! whee.

back to the main topic, i felt slightly emo today. i didn't realise sales was that important to certain people in the office. i mean, what's meant to yours will be yours eventually right? no point snatching it or undertake some treacherous means & ways to sabotage or perhaps, "bully" your fellow colleagues right? it's super saddening lah, i mean, i didn't realise such a thing could actually happened to me. i know i ought to stand firm & remain who i should be. but ultimately, it's the environment which changes me, and NOT i who can change or control the environment. i should have realise it when i decided to leave the comfort zone six months ago, i shouldn't have looked backwards now that i'm in it already. i should be happily doing what i love doing right now, and that i shouldn't have leave it, just like that. otherwise, i wouldn't be like now, working for the sake of working, not motivated at all, doing things i don't really like doing. i really regretted my own actions and seriously. i'm in a loss.

i think lady luck has henceforth not by my side already. judging from the shits i got & failures i made, i really am trying hard to "look open" already. i'm totally cashless when it comes to the end of the month, and i really don't mind skipping a meal or two. i mean, it's another week more to payday, and heck, i can even lose weight by skipping breakfast & lunch. but i really need the hard cash for topping up my ezlink, otherwise i wouldn't be able to proceed for work! i don't have the guts to borrow from anyone further, the fact that i still owe many quite a huge sum which in the end, turn out to be more and even more bad debts. to cut the long story short, i'm really grateful to my friends, who's all along there supporting & helping me whenever i need help. i felt really fortunate & i'm really have no idea why would people bother helping such a loser like me. i wonder, sometimes.

i think feeli's right. you can't relate love & money together. things won't be working out when coming to separate ways. i should have known that earlier on. sometimes, it's really hard to please one party and on the other hand, please another party. even if so, you yourself would be at the losing end. 好人实在难当！really, if $10 means that much to you when compared to a relationship / friendship, it'll NOT gonna work. as in, you used to spend so much on that somebody, and for both of you, but when things went wrong and both of you went separate ways, then that's the difficult part to weigh things out already. it's damn hard to tell who's right and who's wrong then already. such a way like, you willingly spend those monies on that particular person, and you don't really hope to get anything in return for that, even after break-up. but somehow you just can't let it go. it's so much to take & put down. so much so that i'm fucking sick of & tied up with all those burdens & unnecessary troubles.

if i had another chance, i would choose the right way to walk my path carefully. everyone's different, yes, but why is it that i feel so much different to the rest of my fellow peers? life wouldn't be the same if i scored well for o levels, if i put in more effort in studies than in redcross. then, everything will be much different & i'm sure i'll enjoy life more than what i'm going through now. it must be, definitely.

PS: i'm not the very least gay, seriously.

the last one.

i went back to bendemeer secondary for some alumni gathering or sort last saturday, though i wasn't really keen in going in the first place, i half-heartedly accepted agnes' invitation. somehow things were different and the environment seems strange & unwelcoming to me. it's been a good two and a half years since graduation and still, i'm still not improving and leading the usual mundane & monotonous life as usual. not appealing whatsoever. i happened to met a old classmate of mine on the way to work one day last week, i got somehow impressed & intimidated as well. i didn't realise time is catching up with me and there i was, happily doing nothing and seriously lacking behind.

i think i've lost my sense of needs & urgency. i don't think like before now. i am seriously no longer the weiyoung people used to know. i think i am a jerk who happen to just fool around & not fully utilising whatever is given to me. i think i ought to deserve whatever life i am leading right now. you reap what you sow, i finally understand the real meaning behind it. yes, i really do.

i've been working for chan brothers right now, for a month already, in case you didn't know. i'm in some deep-ass-shit i thought. i doubt i'm in the right direction. i shouldn't have agreed to join in despite the fact that i'm gonna start all over from a normal counter personnel. i regretted for quitting five stars end last year, and i really hope that time could just turn back, and have everything i wanted, to start anew. in anyway, i've all the supports i needed & i will stay on until the completion of my diploma. at least till the end of this year.

alright, my brain ain't functioning the right way and i'm uttering bullshit i supposed. sigh.

UPDATES!

i'll be away this weekend for a short KL & Genting trip. partly for the Mayday concert but somehow the concert part is not finalised yet. still not gotten the tickets but the whole trip is confirmed. whee. next, planning underway for trip to tioman in early may, together with AK & small friend. saving for solo getaway to europe in end september in progress as well. (:

counting down!!!

hohoho! it's exactly 07 more days to my 01 week break before starting at chan brothers & yet again, my another trip down to KL. i've book the S$8 deal on Jetstar and the fare total with taxes is about S$78. it's about one & a half times the price of an aeroline's coach ticket, but somehow i don't want to spend 06 long hours on the coach, doing nothing. so yah, i took Jetstar to KL instead. nevermind about the 02 hours check-in, i'd find time shopping & eating inside the lounge.

i think i'm treating plane like it's bus. i'm practically travelling by flight (whether if it's a short one) almost once every month! i've been to:

february'07 - taiwan

may'07 - vietnam & taiwan (again!)

june'07 - hong kong & shenzhen

july'07 - kuala lumpur

november'07 - kuching

december'07 & january'08 - bangkok & pattaya

february'08 - kuala lumpur

march'08 - kuala lumpur (YES, again!!!)

wonder how much i've spent in total for travelling. sigh! i'm such a spendthrift i know. oops, i forget to mention that i took JAL flight back to singapore the previous sunday. i don't know but to me, travel means fun & an escape from the usual busy routine in life. at least my parents won't be around nagging at me to go to bed early or asking me to go bath etc when i go travel, even if they do tag along, they will not be their usual selves. they will laugh, relax & have fun as much as i do. god knows how much i DO love to travel.

somehow i'm not really looking forward to the new start at CB's, partly because i'm gonna start afresh in a brand new environment, moreover in a bigger one. and mainly cause i'm gonna start out as a counter staff first, having to rotate from counter to call center every month. the manager cant promise me if i can be transferred back into the operation side, but she promised that i'd be somehow on the "waiting list" should there be any vacancies inside. sigh. that's not what i'm heading for initially. nevertheless, i shall be forward looking then. i shall gain much more work experience & in the meantime, complete my diploma in the shortest time possible. oh, i know i've been saying that right from the beginning of 2007, but i'm really serious right now! school gonna reopen in may & i swear i'm gonna take up all 03 modules in this coming semester! i promise...

i've been thinking alot nowadays. my cousin scored rather badly in his O levels (twice) and that he's heading towards national service right now. he got somehow depressed and he mentioned that there's no one there for him to turn to when he needed help. he describe people like, to his context - "im jus a 17 years old boy... i dun have any experience in finding a school by myself... im jus so immature..", YES, i copied from his blog word for word. what bullshit i think to myself, like hello, if i can get over it & move on, then why can't you? at least he has got his parents to rely on in terms for financial support, at least your family do ever care about you. i've only myself to depend on, and i did find my own school & job all by me, myself & i. no point laments over it and no actions done. at least i moved on in life right? come to think of it, i'm still in a dilemma thou' and i've absolute no idea where to head towards to in future. i don't know why i ever studied mass communications in the very first place. i think i only got into it cause i love the media industry but i simply ain't cut out for it. i wonder if i do enter the media industry after graduation, considering the fact that what i'm working as right now isn't at all related to what i studied! sometimes life can be so complicated to the extent that you don't even know what you are doing right now. sigh!

okay, i'm blogging for the sake of blogging. i think i've lost the "thing" in blogging. gosh! please ignore the above alright, & pleassseee close this window. don't come into this site again unless you're very bored & have nothing else to do other than reading weiyoung's usual rantings. LOL.

PS: blog about CNY tml.

PPS: i must really exercise now!!! i'm freaking 61kg!!!

i'm in such a dilemma (again!).

all the happy & not-so happy memories, just happened to flashback, and i realise i'm being too selfish afterall (or maybe not). i realise one problem comes after another, like a water tap - it never ends. just when i thought things could work out nicely planned, or when the show is almost at its climax, i chose to off & stop it, for no particular reason. i think i've hurt someone yet again. i don't know, but i'm going according to what my heart leads me onto. perhaps after all the giving & compromising, i've had enough & i wanted none of it now. perhaps i merely wanted a break? perhaps the passion somehow fades off over time? perhaps, perhaps, and more perhaps.

sigh. i'm sorry for all the things i've done. maybe if i never did put in so much effort into this, you wouldn't have been hurt so badly right now. i know things are gonna get uptight & hard to passby, but we need to move on. as said, a broken vase can never be back at its original state, even if it does, there are still cracks within it. i've to admit - i'm such a jerk when it comes to relationship. sometimes (or rather most of the time) humans only treasure things only when they loses it. i really want to focus more into work & school right now. the others can wait. yes, it's gonna be hard but i think i can manage, hopefully.

* * * * * * * * * * *

i've resigned, last day of service will be on the 19th 10th march. hopefully i'll be able to adapt to the new environment, and that i can pick up more skills along the way. been thinking, will i stay long in the travel industry? or will i move on to other aspects in future? i don't know seriously. i don't even know what i want! i've been a complacent kid & i think i ought to change that bad habit out of me quickest possible. if everything went smoothly as planned, i'll complete my diploma by the third quarters in 2009. and then, from that time on, i'll move on to the media industry. well, maybe that's just another wishful thinking of mine. but i seriously hope it works. (:

just suddenly, i miss everyone & everything like mad.

i think i need a to-forget-all-the-bad-memories pill, if there is ever such a thing in the universe.

my life is so effed up right now.

i want to go lalaland. ):

pong pong #1 - 10 random facts about him:

aright, i'm kind of forced to do this, hence, don't take me too seriously okay.

1) he loves to eat hashbrowns; onion rings & sardine curry puffs. to the extend he can even eat it for days, weeks or even months, continuously. (heh, abit over exaggerating)

2) he can spend like over an hour sitting on the toilet bowl, even if he's not clearing his bowels, doing nothing in particular - only to stare at the not-so-plain wall afterall.

3) he's super proud of his name: tey.weiYOUNG & 郑伟荣; to the extend he even had 02 tattoos of his name on both of his legs.

4) he just simply loves to fart, especially when he's sitting down. and then he'd just let go suddenly, and it'd be great if there's people around him. oops.

5) he hates it when people touches his face with no reason. (other than for affection) cause it'll make his pimple-ed & already rotting face even worst.

6) he have to sleep with his bolster, those long long kind of pillow. and treat it as his partner, hugging it & embracing it. it'll have sleeping effect on him. especially if the bolster case if not washed for a long period of time, say months? heh.

7) he cannot stand llloooonngg finger / toe nails; he'd have them trimmed every couple of weeks.

8) he loves all the crapping sessions with his besties & everyone. e.g. - taking DA (dream airlines) to mars / lalaland everynight; flying on cloud class & am the cloudy frequent dreamer. q:

9) always plan to be thrifty, and always failed to do so. instead splurge on whatever he can afford to, and later then laments about it.

10) he hates / loathes doing quizzes like this one. especially when it takes 100K of brain cells to think about what to write about.

alright, don't take me too seriously. i was merely joking about it. heh heh.

* * * * * * * * * *

alright, what's wrong with people nowadays? i mean those really really calculative & ignorant ones. i'm so so so so pissed & am extremely not comfortable with it. it's like kind of saddening & rather demoralising to know that your so called friend, actually pushes all the blames & blatantly lied & make terrible, crude comments on you when something actually crops up. one incident that occurs to my friend, A:

A was in need to find a room for rental soonest possible, and it happened that his friend, S (ass) actually gotten a room in her home, that's available. and so, A happily went and have a look at S's flat, and S's mother told A that the monthly rental fee were to be $550 per month, including the utilities. A was fine with the amount, considering the fact that it's air conditioned but not really furnished. hence, A happily moved in all his luggages & belongings first, as he's away from town for holidays for almost 02 weeks plus.

and so, after his holidays, A moved in & stayed there physically. once he got back, S's mother told him that there's a need for him to change his room, in the sense that S's mother is right now offering him another room, and claims that this particular room is slightly bigger than the original one, and that A have to topped up an additional $50, amounting to $600 for the monthly rental, without giving any explanation or any reason. and so, A were to be paying more, and he did not have a choice. he was somehow forced to.

A did not feel comfortable with this new arrangement and he decided to move out, after his 03 - 05 days of physically stay. and so, S's mother happily demanded for a compensation, to her term, that is to pay up from the day A moved his barang barang in, to the day he moved out.

and according to A, the so called compensation:

his physical stay & together with his barang barang's stay:

17 - 30 November:

$550 divide by 30 days = $18.33

$18.33 times 14 days = $256.62

$550 divide by 31 days = $17.74

$17.74 times 08 days = $141.93

and so A have to "compensate" $398.55 in total to the bloody old witch.

she's so calculating. considering the fact that A didn't really stayed there physically, and that no damages have been afterall. perhaps what A consumed were only the electricities & water. but duh, A was S's friend leh, and why must she be so fucking calculative? it's not as if A really do some damages or whatsoever, it's merely something like a friend of her daughter's to stayover for a few nights, and that's it. short & simple. why must she be so fucking calculative?

damn jialat these people, and of all thing, they have to make super crude & horrible, terrible & vegetable comments on A. moreover, S & her mother now claims that the amount should be $400+++ (triple plus-es somemore!), and that it's they themselves who didn't laid the rules clearly in the first place. lucky thing was, only verbal agreement has been made. and thus, i don't feel the need for her so called compensation afterall. it's absolute rubbish & nonsensical.

what angered me the most is, S even got her friend, E to join in this commotion, half hoping to blow the matter even bigger somehow. perhaps S got E to join in and help her in scorning A as well.

A's so depressed right now, afterall he still feel guily, and even after promising to make the payment asap, within this two months, S obviously still have not had enough. it's not as thou A doesn't want to pay back this whatever compensation thing. she commented like, oh, i disgust you that kind of thing to A. how bad can she be, as a friend that is moreover. i told A to get over it, and realise how bad people can be. it's just his luck to meet people like S.

ever since the first sight of S and her mother, i alr knew that they ain't good people as i thought they'd be. they've got the typical meaniest look & one look you know they are those people society might not want to have them that kind. at least, to me that is. S's mother even proudly boast her daughter's birth background & everything about her, saying how fortunate they are, to have been able to travel to so many countries across the world, to have her daughter holding a malaysian passport, but born in UK and is a singapore PR, and blah blah blah, all those bullshitting. such a disgrace to malaysian. trying to show off how great & how wealthy her family can be. i'm then, truly disgusted & turned off by S and her group of typical people. fuck them all.

* * * * * * * * * *

today's been a busy day at work. somehow all customers managed to rush in for bookings just before closing. i managed to knock off at 8pm instead of 7pm. anw, almost everywhere is booked during the CNY period, which seats are all taken up since donkey months ago. somehow being in the travel line, it tempts you to travel even if you can't support yourself to. somehow you'll just manage to find a way to travel no matter what. i'd really appreciate if some kind soul is able to provide me with fully sponsored trip with expenses to london, new york & japan. oh, perhaps australia & new zealand too, and the list goes on. i must be day dreaming again. =.=!

so anyway, lingling passes $10 to me before she heads to work today during lunch time, i really really appreciate it, thou it's small in value, but it means alot to me. thanks lingling!

i'm really beginning to get adapted to the austerity programme. for the sake of weiyoung's future, i really ought to do something about it now. which is to save up seriously big lump sum in the shortest time possible. (:

i wish, i wish, i wish...

dear father in heaven,

i know i've been a really spoiled brat. i cheated, i lied and done so much of a sinful acts. but please at least, i merely wished for someone in the household to strike 4D or Toto, or someone in the household to pick up/found some big cash, say $2000? so that i can enrol back into school and complete my diploma as soon as possible, can that be done?

the next intake will be in june, and i'm desperately in need of another $2000 for my full time studies. dear lord, i've enough in the workforce, and i really really want to be back in school, & i promise i'll be extra hardworking than anybody else. i want to be somebody, not a nobody. i wanna prove to everyone that i can & i will do it. i do not want to waste my parents' money for my pathetic 13 years of expensive education in singapore. so so please, grant my wish and i promise i'll do anything i can afford to. ):

i pray all these in your holy name, amen.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

sigh, i'm darn broke now. so much so that all my travel plans in the later part of the year gotta be put on hold. right now, my education comes first. i'm trying hard not to spend so much late-night outings, don't frequent the movies that much, and no more fastfoods. i'm gonna be ultra thrifty with immediate effect. somehow i felt that there's an immediate need to get myself upgraded academically. i've enough in the travel line after these soon-to-be 02 years. i'm not achieving anything, apart from having the chance to travel almost to all destinations in asia. so fed up can. fellow peers are all moving ahead of me, and i'm still stucked stagnant at square one. i really really need to do something about it. sigh.

afterall, i'm financially dependent of myself after these 02 years. knowing no one in the family would fork out money for me to study anymore. i really need to learn financial planning soonest, urgently. i'm not at all disappointed right now, knowing the fact that my parents ain't giving me any support. it's my own life and i ought to be responsible for it. i want my parents to be proud of me, and not be ashamed. all the fondest memories ever are all beginning to be vague & i'm no longer that cheerful & forward looking anymore, period. maybe i should start to adapt to a no-one-can-enter-my-life kind of attitude and live in my own nutshell world; perhaps i'm right.

sigh, moreover, Chinese New Year is coming, and i have yet to buy any new clothings yet. plus after clearing off all my bad debts, my bills, CNY allowance for dad & mom + grandma, i'm left with nothing for february. maybe a little left from the miserable ang pows i received. but then again, the most i can save for march, april & may is just about $500 to $600 monthly. which is only 03 quarters of what i'm supposed to pay for the first installment of my school fee. so yah. i'm beginning to despise myself for being so incompetent. if only life have a reset button, then i wouldn't need to worry about anything right now. i'm not blaming anyone, but i'm just disappointed that i'm so much of a difference to the rest. i can't helped but to compare. if only, if only, if only!!! if only everything can be reversed, then my life will be at its peak.